I wrote this and im going to enter it in my schools lit mag what do u think?

“All, young and old, come to get your palm read by the amazing Madame Fortunado! Only $5, today only! You there, Miss, in the green t-shirt, it looks like you are curious about what your future holds in store for you. Come and get your palm read!”


“No thanks,” I gave a half smile and looked around at moving people, all silhouettes now from the sun descending behind them.


“Trust me miss, this isn’t something you want to miss out on, I’ll even make a deal with you, how ‘bout only $3!” the man said, sweat was trickling down his burnt red face and bald head.


I debated in my head whether to go or not, I really didn’t have anywhere else to be, so I decided to go in. The bald man held the beads out of my way as I walked into the canvas tent. There were fake shrunken skulls on the walls and bottles of colored water with labels of different potions wrapped around them. By the bottles lay an old antique dagger. In the middle of the tent was a round table with a lace table cloth and crystal ball in the middle. An old woman sat at the table with a dark purple scarf tied around her head and a long white gypsy dress covered her old wrinkly skin.


“Come, sit down,” she said in some fake raspy voice, “You come to see Madame Fortunado, you must pay first.”


I reached in my pocket and found $3. As I put out my hand to give her the money she snatched it out of my fingers.


“Good, now we can start, give me your right hand.”


I reached my hand out to her and she grabbed it with her cold rough hands.


“Now, I will start with the life line”


She slowly traced her finger on the line.


“Hmmm, interesting, it shows you have had trouble in your past, you’ve done bad things, but not because you wanted to, you blacked out and couldn’t remember, is Madame Fortunado right?”


The hair on my arms and neck stood up.


“I have black outs, but I never knew anything that had happened when I blacked out. I always just woke up and nothing seemed to be wrong.”


“Well, maybe for five more dollars I can hypnotize you and ask your unconscious self what happens during your black outs.”


Even though I don’t believe in this type of thing, I decided to try it, so I scrounged for five more dollars in my pocket.


“Good, okay now close your eyes and relax.”


I heard her get up in her chair and come in front of me; she laid her fingertips on my eyes.


“Listen to my voice, and go to sleep, go into a deep sleep.





“Now, when did your first black out happen?”


“When I was ten.”


“What happened the first time you blacked out?”


“I don’t remember I was in my room and when I woke up I was in the hospital, in a solitary room, I couldn’t remember what happened.”


“What about a recent black out? Can you remember, you can trust me, now just remember and tell me what you did?”


Suddenly I felt pressure on my wrists and I tried to open my eyes, but I couldn’t. I started to kick and I heard her fall on the table.


“What are you doing!” she screamed.


I lunged out of the old wooden chair onto the old woman and pinned her down. I felt around the floor and found the dagger. I grasped it in my hand and with all of my strength I stabbed it into her chest. An ear-splitting scream bursted from her throat. Suddenly I felt large hands wrap around my arms and pull me off.





I opened my eyes. There was blurs of white around me. When everything became clear, I could see I was in a room. There were no windows only a door. When I tried to sit up my hands and feet were bound.

I wrote this and im going to enter it in my schools lit mag what do u think?
Very good. I found myself getting pulled in, wanting to know more about the fortune teller and wondering what was going to happen next.


Creative writing, when effect, pulls the reader into the story and your story does this well. Definitely you should submit it to the paper.


Write on!
Reply:It really just makes no sense, sorry.
Reply:There are some areas where some re-writing would be good but overall I was wondering what was the point. OK - blackouts. You then stab the old woman. I've no idea why. Large hands - were they from the bald man?





I assume you've been hospitalised (mental condition) in the last bit but that's not clear.





overall it lacks structure and a sense of purpose and conclusion.