What do you think of my story?

I’m on the roof of a thirty story building,surrounded by empty bottles of beer and a whole bunch of people watching me anxiously.I got up and walked towards the edge of the roof;the wind blew through my hair and whirstled in my ears.Never once had i ever felt so void of worries and so peaceful at heart.





Tears fill my eyes and blurred my vision.I start feeling all warm inside and for the first time in 10 years, i smiled.I’m balancing on the side of the building,concentrating on placing one foot in front of the other and moving forward.On my left,there’s the view of the city from 50feet up.Everything below seem so small yet beautiful the lights look like fireflies of different colours.....to my right,i see the source of my hatred ,people of different colours, different races and religions but they all add up to one thing .....hypocrisy.





“cough....,cough!” I remove my hand from my mouth as i felt a wet and sticky substance on my palm.It was of such rich colour of red,my favourite colour.I giggled and my throat hurt.I guess i’m ready to go,i can’t wait anymore.My illness is already promting me.I take one last look at the crowd.My eyes scan through it and every thing started moving in slow motion.I spread my arms out wide,like an eagle soaring.My blood dripped from my hand onto the floor”drip..drip..drip..”





Gravity slowly dragged my body towards the earth and i began tilting ,falling over ....then,someone emerged from the door leading to the roof with a bang and ran towards me with hands outstretched.I was getting further from that famillar face i was waiting to see but i could still see him there,bending over the edge with tears in his eyes,shouting something hardly audible,people restraining him .......








Now,my final wish is fufilled, i can go in peace. I close my eyes.My tears falling along side me,the conners at the sides of my mouth continue remainding in an upward position; Icontinue smiling.As i recall the few happy memories i had with him,my only kin,my brother.The time when we first met,the time when he brought me out of the hospital ,when he was with me during treatment and finally the last happy memory he has given me before i go.





“Thud!”,i landed. Blood quickly gathered into a pool around me .No,not arround me but my 17year old body.My spirit is now free to roam where it please,freedom at last.A weightless form rising up towards a place where all souls go after death.

What do you think of my story?
This is not well-written. You have not chosen a solid point of view, sometimes you use present and sometimes past tense, your verbs do not agree with their subjects, the spelling is terrible, and the phrases are trite and overused. Not to mention that the subject matter is melodramatic... I am assuming you are either in remedial high school English or that English is not your first language.





You will need to master the basics of writing, grammar and spelling before you can craft a successful story. I know I have been harsh with you, but I believe in the virtue of an honest critique.
Reply:You have written a good story. Congratulations. Keep it up.
Reply:It's pretty good, you obviously like writing. It's very descriptive.





All I noticed were some spelling or grammar problems, but nothing that spell check and a little editing can't fix. And at the end, where you said, "No, not around me, but my 17-year-old body," I think you should take out the "17-year-old" part. Other than the little grammar things like that, I think it's a nice story, and I loved the ending.





When you edit it, don't be afraid to show it off =).





Nice job!
Reply:it was okay, not my choice of topic though. you have a good style of writing, i only wish you had chosen a better storyline. it's pretty cliched, and not that original.


if you had applied your writing skills to a better story, then it would be great!
Reply:well written..descriptive enough to make us imagine the whole scenario..
Reply:It's well written, but it made me feel sad
Reply:hmmm.... a very good read. I think your topic is one that has touch many life's, I think it is one hard for a lot of people to think about or talk aloud of. You do need to spell check and edit this piece, it is worth doing that. Re` read this paragraph by paragraph. line by line. Read it aloud into a recorder and play it back. You will see where it reads very smooth and blended well and you will also notice where it is hard to read, sorta jumpy. You will know that is where it needs editing. Also check out some on line writing forms. You can post there for free, and people will review your work. Check out Authors.com or writing.com it helps to have a place where other writers go. good luck
Reply:you spelled "colors" wrong about 8 times better fix it
Reply:Nice. Continue writing more of these stories !
Reply:hey! very well written, i loved it all! just fix the spelling, great job =)
Reply:WOW.........that was an amazing read. I felt like I was right there watching! You just need to fix the spelling, not that mine is any better :)

horns